One of those days..

If there is one thing I hate the most about PCOS, it has to by far be the mood changes. Aside from those days where you just want to scream and cry all at the same time.. the days where your mood flip flops are the worst. I am learning the triggers.. and trying to figure out how to control it. The triggers I have learned so far: being hurt by someone doing something (emotionally), usually when I hurt physically, hearing someone close to me is pregnant.. especially if they were't trying or want one.. (not that I am not happy for them because I am.) Something that was planned specifically out, not going the right way I had planned.. which sounds so dumb and I do NOT understand why. I am also learning the symptoms of it when it begins. It usually happens anywhere from 1-4 times a month. (Usually 1-2) On some occasions the day can start out totally fine and then ends up going down hill at some point.. that is usually caused by a fast really upsetting trigger. Or sometimes it starts out bad and ends worse. When I do feel it coming, my head usually feels fuzzy. Like my emotions aren't clear and I'm trying to sort through 9000000 feelings at once. It ends up being just anger, and someone ends up taking the brunt of it. Usually it ends up being my fiance, just because he is the closest one to me. It seems that in either occasion, no matter how it comes on, the way to relieve it is always the same. The faster I can get mad; the better. It's like a build-up.. It's like a storm, the faster it is comes, the faster it will be over and relief will ensue. The relief feels like all my stress is gone, and by the time that happens I am usually physically and emotionally drained. I usually go right to sleep. Sadly for Justin, all of these "storms" usually happen at, or in the middle of the night, but have been slowly creeping on since the beginning or middle of the day. The more I learn about it, the more I learn about myself. The more I feel the PCOS. Before I was diagnosed I thought it was just me... and maybe I was just not meant to be close to anyone. Now that I know that this isn't me, the more I wonder how such a thing can control someone's every thought. I am so self conscious, not just about my physical appearance but mentally too.. You hear jokes about crazy women or your S/O telling you you're crazy (sarcastically) but then you get all of these thoughts into your head. Is he serious? Am I unstable? Do I need help? Does he love me? Does he hate me? Does he still want to be with me? So on and so forth. It is seriously exhausting. Which brings me to another thing I HATE about PCOS.. EXHAUSTION! I feel like I NEVER get enough sleep.. ever. I hear people say that's a sign of depression.. but I don't always feel depressed. Only on those days where my moods are crazy.. but I do feel like something is missing. Like my moods just aren't up to par. Wedding planning stresses me out super easily. I know that sounds normal but when I'm actually at the stores picking stuff out it becomes impossible to pick and I feel like no choice I make is the right one. Which sounds completely stupid. (frustrating!) I want to know what I did to deserve PCOS.. Is this some form of cruel and unusual punishment? Did God really think I could handle this? If there is one thing I am for sure of in my life, it's that I don't handle PCOS, it handles me..