Things lately..

So, I had my lab appointment to test for insulin resistance. After being so sure that was what was off, turns out its normal. On the high side of normal; but normal none the less. Everything was normal except for progesterone. It was elevated slightly. I guess I should be happy, diabetes runs very strongly through my family so I was fully expecting it to be that. I am elated that I am not diabetic and will not have to be on metformin for that, however I can't help but wonder what is next. If that isn't the problem, then what is? I know all of this is a learning curve but I can't help but feel completely frustrated. My emotions have been so off lately. I am always exhausted, no matter how much or little sleep I get. We are also in the middle of moving 100 miles away so now is definitely not the time for PCOS to be kicking my ass, but it has been. Today I am just hurting. On my right side, like always. Sort of like ovulation pain but not as bad, yet. Turns out the V.A. won't cover any of the hubs testing so we will have to pay out of pocket. I am very thankful for all the VA does but they suck for all the things they slack on. They have totally screwed us on way more than just insurance issues, but that is a whole different story for a different day. I guess I just can't help wondering how much more poking and prodding they are going to have to do before they decide what treatments they want to do. I just want to have a baby, and stop worrying about all of this PCOS stuff. It is beyond ridiculous! I am completely tired of something always controlling my body and my moods and most importantly, my relationship with the one man I just can't stomach the thought of hurting or losing. Not to mention we have a wedding that I am in the middle of planning! I am hoping she will either decide to put me on metformin for the weight control and relief, or clomid to help speed up the baby process.. because one thing is for certain, no matter how much I diet or try all these different supplements, nothing has helped. I want to have the body I deserve on my wedding day, not this PCOS stricken body that I hate with a passion. I also feel like I need something to help rid the bad mood swings so I can live my life normally, or as normal as a person with PCOS can. I don't want to be on medicine full time, just something to kick the depressing moods, on the days that they rule me. At this point, I will try anything to feel better. I honestly just want to feel and be me again, in my own size 7 jeans.. hell at this point I would even be ecstatic with my size 9's. I just want to be myself again. PCOS is the devil and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy. If any of you cysters have any tips or advice I would love to hear it..

One of those days..

If there is one thing I hate the most about PCOS, it has to by far be the mood changes. Aside from those days where you just want to scream and cry all at the same time.. the days where your mood flip flops are the worst. I am learning the triggers.. and trying to figure out how to control it. The triggers I have learned so far: being hurt by someone doing something (emotionally), usually when I hurt physically, hearing someone close to me is pregnant.. especially if they were't trying or want one.. (not that I am not happy for them because I am.) Something that was planned specifically out, not going the right way I had planned.. which sounds so dumb and I do NOT understand why. I am also learning the symptoms of it when it begins. It usually happens anywhere from 1-4 times a month. (Usually 1-2) On some occasions the day can start out totally fine and then ends up going down hill at some point.. that is usually caused by a fast really upsetting trigger. Or sometimes it starts out bad and ends worse. When I do feel it coming, my head usually feels fuzzy. Like my emotions aren't clear and I'm trying to sort through 9000000 feelings at once. It ends up being just anger, and someone ends up taking the brunt of it. Usually it ends up being my fiance, just because he is the closest one to me. It seems that in either occasion, no matter how it comes on, the way to relieve it is always the same. The faster I can get mad; the better. It's like a build-up.. It's like a storm, the faster it is comes, the faster it will be over and relief will ensue. The relief feels like all my stress is gone, and by the time that happens I am usually physically and emotionally drained. I usually go right to sleep. Sadly for Justin, all of these "storms" usually happen at, or in the middle of the night, but have been slowly creeping on since the beginning or middle of the day. The more I learn about it, the more I learn about myself. The more I feel the PCOS. Before I was diagnosed I thought it was just me... and maybe I was just not meant to be close to anyone. Now that I know that this isn't me, the more I wonder how such a thing can control someone's every thought. I am so self conscious, not just about my physical appearance but mentally too.. You hear jokes about crazy women or your S/O telling you you're crazy (sarcastically) but then you get all of these thoughts into your head. Is he serious? Am I unstable? Do I need help? Does he love me? Does he hate me? Does he still want to be with me? So on and so forth. It is seriously exhausting. Which brings me to another thing I HATE about PCOS.. EXHAUSTION! I feel like I NEVER get enough sleep.. ever. I hear people say that's a sign of depression.. but I don't always feel depressed. Only on those days where my moods are crazy.. but I do feel like something is missing. Like my moods just aren't up to par. Wedding planning stresses me out super easily. I know that sounds normal but when I'm actually at the stores picking stuff out it becomes impossible to pick and I feel like no choice I make is the right one. Which sounds completely stupid. (frustrating!) I want to know what I did to deserve PCOS.. Is this some form of cruel and unusual punishment? Did God really think I could handle this? If there is one thing I am for sure of in my life, it's that I don't handle PCOS, it handles me..

Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome.. three complicated words that changed everything..

Hello y'all, I am starting a P.C.O.S. centered blog for my fellow cysters and as a way to vent and keep in touch with my cysters. I'll start with the basic introduction and all of that good stuff. =) I'm Taylor, I was diagnosed with PCOS in April, however I have had it for years. I live in Arkansas, but am from Missouri. (A Mizzou-rah Tigers fan for life;) I am with my soul mate, his name is Justin. He's amazing in every way. (Cliche, right?) We have been together for over a year, and known each other for years. We have no babies, and are currently trying and I am fully aware and expecting it to take a while for us to get lucky enough to have a baby, but I still hold out hope everyday for us to finally have one. What started all of this off was me not having any menstrual cycles. I have been this way since about a year after my first period. So, I went to the doctor sort of expecting it to be thyroid issues because it runs in the family. I had no idea what PCOS was or that it even existed. They did labs, and an ultrasound after the labs revealed nothing abnormal. The ultrasound showed cysts but my doctor was horrible and didn't explain anything about the syndrome or how big they were or anything like that. Well, I switched to a new practice and I see an OBGYN and a Nurse Practitioner. I love my NP she had PCOS herself and is very understanding of it all which helps a ton. Any who, we have been trying for 9 months and nothing has happened and in those 9 months I've had two or three menstrual cycles. So what the NP Said is that naturally I only ovulate 1-3 times a year. My OBGYN wanted me to try for another 6 months before giving any medication, (mind you this whole time no one has checked insulin) however this week I went to the NP and she is having me come in next week to check insulin levels. Diabetes runs in my family and I have issues with my blood sugar so hopefully she will give me some metformin to help with the weight gain and everything else. Through all of this Justin has been a total trooper. He has weathered the storms with me and is learning more about them all the time. I have about one or two a month it seems. I don't know why they happen but when they do I just get in these moods where I have this rage.. over nothing. The madder I get the closer I am to snapping which for me is good. Usually after I snap I go to bed and I am fine as if nothing ever happened. I have crying days where nothing helps and I just have to cry it out. Those suck. I am not a fan of showing emotion. I never have shown it I always hide it and deal with it alone by myself. Well, that's not an option anymore. I have those days where I just have to be pissed and get it out or it doesn't go away. They always involve Justin which I can't even explain how bad I feel for that. He's just the closest person to me and it honestly doesn't usually give me a choice on what or who I have rage with it's just an unexplainable anger. My goal is to learn these "storms" and get a feel for them when they're coming on and what triggers it. I also have days where I just hurt, all day, really bad. I have days where my pants don't fit because my ovaries are huge and I am bloated, or days where I feel somewhat skinny and confident. I have to say one of the worst things about this is the toll it takes on my self confidence. Now seems worse than ever. It definitely makes me feel unworthy. I feel like Justin deserves a woman who can have as many babies as he wants, when they want.. and one that doesn't have unexplainable always changing moods. This is definitely a learning curve for sure. Anyways, all my cysters follow and I will follow back so we can keep in touch and support each other. Baby dust to all. =)